11 Oct

I’m at the gynecologists’, bellies and babies fill the busy room. I took a a pregnancy test but just to be sure sure, here I am, surrounding by the sight and smell of growing life.

I should have come with a friend, I think. I would have been reassured, encouraged, supported , she’d have been probably be so ,excited if I was came into mummy world we’d have much more in common, that’s for sure, but cards have to be kept close a “slipup” cannot be tolerated.

I start calculating ,lover would definitely support because that’s who he is but I’m a bit scared that our relationship wouldn’t survive, whether it’s his or not. I don’t know if he will ask for a paternity test, I rack my 🧠 over instances that might have created suspicion and zilch, I don’t know if my brain is overcompensating for a better narrative or if it’s the actual truth, that I was good at keeping secrets.
I look at my belly, nervous that it might finally set whatever truth free.
I could go along for the ride ,if it turns out to not be his ,I take my L ,he’ll be devastated but the many, many wars men have started ,a big battle will always be a walk in the park.

Cheat-i can’t fathom him being the dad, simply coz I don’t want him too, he’s too messy for me, the stories and the comments, I don’t think I’d handled it well., ,I am not yearning him to be even a tiny bit responsible for this mess, I’d rather go alone ,I declare silently.  “did I even like him?” my brain ask ,the heart surprised that I’d be so vehemently against this, after all has happened.

I look back at the genesis of this journey ,and I’m pretty comfortable by the truths that I have sought, and found.

My name is called.

I go, positive about the decisions that I’m about to do, and ready for any negative consequences.


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